existing makes me nervous...

- fernardo montro

today is not a fun day to be me.

i'm in the midst of a completely self-absorbed existential crisis.

yes, the sun is shining and i live one of the most privileged existences on earth.

yet.....?

i am missing something.

i know what that something is (i think...actually on second thoughts, maybe not)

from the depths of my being i wish i wish i wish i could understand why i am here.

i wish i could know what the whole fiasco is about and accordingly make decisions and form intentions to ensure that i do not completely misspend the life i've been given.

i'm so confused.

and why does it fill me with such gnawing anxiety?

sometimes i feel like i'm going to be physically sick, like throw up or have my heart just explode from excessive, unnecessary palpitations.

career is not enough for me. love is not enough for me. philosophies and ideas are not enough for me. nothing is enough because every promising glimpse i find is just that - a glimpse, a hunch, a hypothesis, an inclination. and that is not enough to get me through this life.

i want to feed hungry children and heal hearts and bodies and see into other worlds and understand magic and the interconnections and live in the Great Heart and have living waters pouring out from me.

my cup is empty.

i don't care if it is filled by suffering or joy.

just frikkin fill it with something real.