i feel claustrophobic.

the walls feel like they are growing closer together and the city seems to be creeping in on me.

i feel like i need to get away from here, from sitting inside all day and reading endless notes for uni. already there is an overwhelming amount of study and i feel tired even thinking about it and very uninspired to continue with it.

i know that i will... i want to at least finish my second year before i have a break. but oh, how i long for the forest and the mountains and the rivers and to place my bare feet on the earth and cast my heart up into an open and care-free sky.

compromise never made me strong

I promise to comfort the afflicted

and afflict the comfortable,

that I will never accept what I am told.

That I will never fall in love with safety and forget liberty.

I promise that I will look for the lie in every pretty story

and the bribe in every convenience.

happiness is an evasive little bitch.

I want to run away to a place were it's deathly cold.

I will hide away there until my skin turns translucently pale and my blood runs like icy streams.

I've broken my back trying to lift this,

So I will find a cave and sleep through this winter.

I'm caught in the vacuum between bad memories and hopeful dreams.

I'm trying to decide if I listen to my cautious head or my love-sick heart.

Holding onto the tatters of a life I've both constructed and pulled apart,

I'm ready to surrender if only I knew my cries didn't fall on deaf ears.

I'm willing to die to my old life, If only I knew for sure that you died for me.

If this is more than a myth, a story, a blind stab in the dark...

Then you know I'd follow you until the end.

I'm not looking for glory, or honour, or recognition.

I'm just looking for TRUTH.

I'm scarred that this is all wishful thinking, a fabrication to make life easier,

an intellectual construct to deal with the pointlessness of reality.

I'm so scarred that all of this is truer than you.

I would sell it all, give it all, to see past all the intellectual bullshit, the theories, the ideas and the endless analysis.

If I could see the HEART behind it all, the TRUTH, the ALL,

the only life and reason that all love exists in the first place,

then I would pour myself out, I would happily become a fool to possess the treasure of your love and to KNOW.

I want to be changed by love that knows no limit,

by love that kills selfishness,

by love that makes me limitless and makes me free.

Because you are freedom, your love is endlessly forgetful of my failings.

You are LIMITLESS.

virus

I'm beginning to think that humanity has fallen into some insidious trap... No one seems to be quite aware of it and most days we think we are fighting it. But slowly and surely, our immunity is worn down and the fabric of our humanity is wearing thin.

It's rather cunning really, an unnamed virus buried in our cells... waiting to ambush us when the time is right, when we are at our lowest.

I'm pretty sure my eyes aren't playing tricks. I'm pretty sure you can see it everywhere:

The tendency of humans to lie, to hide the things we are not proud of. We are hiding from our dearest friends, from ourselves in an attempt to remain lovable. We put our best face forward knowing that it is a necessary cross to bear in order to uphold our best interests.

Our best interests... do we even know what these are? We are constantly reshuffling who we are on a conscious and subconscious level to create a version of ourselves that we are happy with, that we are happy to present to others. We do this so we don't have to be alone. And in doing so we end up lonely. Because when we do this, no one really knows or accepts the real us. And we certainly don't know or accept ourselves.

Yes, yes, yes, we say that we do. But who stares unflinching into their blackness? Who isn't anything more than a scarred little child in the dark, afraid of walking in a haunted house alone?

I've been on the run for years, trying to avoid the disease of my humanity, convinced that if I shine bright enough that I can keep it at bay. But it always returns, snapping at my heals and chasing me without tiring.

I don't want to be selfish anymore, always looking to protect myself...

I don't want to run anymore, lying and hiding from the parts of me I'm not proud of...

I don't want to be alone anymore,

backing myself into a corner

with my hands over my ears yelling loudly over and over again,

"I don't regret anything."

So loudly that i can't hear you whisper,

"I still love you".

won't you let me take a peak?

I wish I could tug at the fabric of this world's curtain and pull it apart ever so slightly so I could peer into the next one. I think if only I knew what was next, I could ensure that I live properly and make this life mean something.

I'm not too happy about the idea of drawing conclusions about something for which there is no evidence. And there is no one to ask because the wisest of us can only cling to speculation.

I know people say "this is where faith comes in". But how do you choose which faith when there are so many? All of them conflicting and yet united over one point: WE most certainly are absolutely right.

How lovely it must be to have faith. Assurance. To shut the doors of the mind to all those gaping questions.

Belief is a pillow you buy to rest your weary head on and make life more comfortable. Faith is the warm blanket you cover yourself with in this cold, endless universe. And you can crawl so deep under the covers, like you did when you were a child. You can forget where you are and feel, for the first time since you were small, COMFORT.

I don't know that I am allowed this luxury.

But from the bottom of my heart I know that I want to make this life count. And the only thing i know that matters is loving and struggling to keep my heart open. I don't know how I know that this is important or why the desire to keep struggling runs so deep in me. All I know is that when I do this, I become alive and it gives dignity to my existence.